Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

James 5:16

This is heartache. I can feel my heart breaking for the girl who thought she was finally getting her shot. After all this time, after all this hope and faith and prayer…Even though I was anticipating rejection, this time I was hoping it would be different. This time I was hoping that I had done enough to prove that I wasn’t the same person I was two years ago when I met him. The funny thing about time is that you can do everything in your power to change and grow but at the end of the day you can’t control all the factors. This is heartache. 

This is mine and James Doe’s story (short version and from my perspective):

  It all started with a swipe on Bumble back in 2018. Oh the woes of modern dating. You thought I looked sexy in my one piece bathing suit that I had up on my profile; which made me feel confident. I liked who I was when I talked to you; no matter how short and brief the interactions were. Being with you was huge for me in many ways. Reflecting back I can’t say that I wouldn’t change anything because I would. I was young and naive about a lot of things. My world was filled with cotton candy, stardust, dreams, and rainbows. Yours was filled with practical ideas, logistics, walls, and judgement. 

   It was shitty for you to just drop like that to be honest. I think if you would have told me that you weren’t interested in dating and you only wanted to hook-up (pause: I was naive about hook-up culture back then, so forgive me for giving the guy sex and thinking he wanted to go out on a date afterwards *insert eye roll*) things might have been different from the start. But you lied and were dishonest with your words from the beginning. 

  For awhile I thought that if I knew the reason why you ghosted me back then I would feel better but when I got the chance to ask you why it honestly just made me feel angry at first. I felt like I had been used and rejected all over again by you. And the most sad part about it is that I let it happen. Why did you contact me again? Why couldn’t you just leave me alone when you got back from Florida? Why didn’t you contact the other girls you had slept with already? You tell me you don’t want to date (I believed you) and that it’s because you aren’t in a place you want to be dating and bullshit like that but in reality I feel like it’s two things: either you already have someone and are waiting for them (*this turned out to be semi-true*) or two someone broke your heart so bad that you can’t get past that breakup to move on. I don’t know; I could be wrong*(I wasn’t wrong). 

(Present day)

August 2020

   Have you ever known something was so right that you didn’t think there was any other way it could be different? That was how felt about James Doe. I felt that he was going to be it. It’s this feeling I got in my stomach when I first met him. It’s the comfort I felt when I saw him again a few years later. But the thing about feelings and emotions is that it’s all temporary.  Yes, it’s temporary.. But while the temporary feelings of pain are here so is the heartache, the embarrassment, the shame, and the guilt. So it is for that reason today my heart aches for the girl who thought that James Doe was it. For the girl who overlooked the fact that she didn’t know him, not really, she knew how he could ignore her, disrespect her, ghost her.. I fell for the idea of him but not James Doe himself.  

   It hurts to know that someone thinks you’re not good enough for them. And yes, I know you don’t want the attention of those people, blah, blah, blah. But I’m going to be human for a second and say even though I’m a person who knows her worth; there are some persons who just bring you to your knees and just make you question it. Why not me? It’s a hard pill to swallow. 

   Look, to those who took the time to read this (and are still reading) I believe we construct our own realities. So, yes I’m sad and yes, I’m heartbroken. James Doe seemed like a good guy (I’m sure he is to most) but in my story, he’s not. Today, James Doe gets to be the bad guy, the crappy guy. The one who isn’t honest about where he truly is with his feelings. And doesn’t consider the consequences of his actions and the people who get hurt by them.

   I wasn’t going to write this section of my heartache. Yesterday I was ready to post a piece that was a reflection of my temporary emotions. Temporary emotions. Even though today, I am still waking up and feeling as though I won’t ever get rid of this sense of “what if” and “why not me”, I was reminded that I am not my emotions.. When we are hurt by someone we have the urge to want to hurt them back. No matter how wrong it feels or how justify you may think it is at the time. In my case, hurting the person who hurt me wouldn’t work for multiple reasons. One: He doesn’t care. When someone doesn’t care about you, about what you do. Seeking out to hurt them will only hurt you in the end. Having negative emotions make a permanent residence in your heart only poisons you. Two: it’s not who I am anymore. Over the past two years I’ve tried so hard to move on from the girl who I used to be. The who acted before she thought. The one who thought that all her small problems were big problems. John 14:27 says Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled; neither let them be afraid. This verse in the bible reminds me that peace comes from within me and my relationship with God; knowing that God will always have my back no matter the conflicts, problems, or up hill battles that I am facing in this material world.. This is letting go..