An awareness of death encourages us to live more intenselyPaulo Coelho
Dear Fellow Bloggers and Readers,
As Bene Brown says “I’m a recovering perfectionist, and aspiring to be a good enoughist”. Fellow bloggers, readers, and friends do you ever have an experience that just immediately makes you question everything that you thought you knew about yourself? I have. The story that I am about to share is one that you all are familiar with if you have been following along on my post.
It’s the way you live, not the way you talk that counts
About a month ago I met this person and at the time I didn’t know how much I was going to allow him to affect my life in such a short amount of time. I knew that he was different (on the surface) from the guys that I dated in the past. I knew that the more time I spent with him and the more I got to know him; I knew that I didn’t want to walk away. However, our views on where we wanted this to go and where he was in his life and where I am at in mine seemed to be a constant topic/worry for me. He didn’t want to commit and I wanted certainty. He couldn’t see past the week and I knew that if he called two weeks from now I know that my feelings for him would still be there. Ultimately, I decided that it was easier to walk away than deal with the possibility of getting my heartbroken again…
“I know you don’t feel like you deserve this
But I can tell you that you do
Your heart has been a warrior
And your strength had pulled you through
See I know you can do this on your own, but you don’t have to“
This decision to let him go felt wrong. Inherently wrong; like going against every bone in my body wrong. And I say that because I believe in that moment of time me walking away was a form of self-sabotage and a form of self-preservation. I had done this before in my past relationships. Not exactly the same behavior; but the general need to control by any means possible was a theme. It was an oh snap moment. Readers, I don’t do well in interpersonal intimate relationships. The last one I had ruined me. Its why I decided not to date for the longest time. I thought that I had to work on myself and know myself before I could completely be with someone else. And to some extent that is true. However, by doing that I have let a lot of good people walk out of my life in the process because I believed it was something that should be done on my own. I was wrong.
Stay close to people who feel like sunlight
I watched this TED talk a few years ago and it was about what really matters at the end of one’s life. The speaker said the only two questions that should be asked are:
Am I loved?
Did I love?
Everything else doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or what kind of couch you bought for your house to match the overall décor of all the things you will never use. What matters in life are the relationships you build with others. With yourself. The relationships that you hold close to you can reflect back to you who you are or who you don’t want to be. I don’t think researchers, storytellers, or therapist can stress that enough. And until this person showed up, I didn’t realize how important that is. I didn’t realize how important it is to live everyday as it is your last day. You never know when these are going to be the last moments you have. When I’m struggling or when I am sad or down in myself I try to remember that these emotions aren’t going to last. They will pass. When it comes to love; I think it’s important to have an open mind about what it means to love and to love someone else in particular. This person taught me that although some level of certainty is good in any relationship; I don’t have to figure out everything right this second.
Love people. Use things. Because the opposite never works.
I will say that living each day with an awareness that this could be the last moment; doesn’t mean that you go around living recklessly or that you shouldn’t have some sense of what it is that you want. To me, it means that you are truly living out your values. You are being who you want to be and you aren’t concerned about the future nor upset about what happened in the past because it is not guaranteed and you can’t change it. You only have this moment.
This life of ours is on lease.
What are you going to do with it?
Much love ❤️