Burst out with love. Be a carrier of hope.

Where others hoard: help.

Where others deceive: stand for truth.

Where others are overwhelmed or uncaring: be kind and respectful.

Jack Kornfield

In 2020, I started the year off playing the song “Coming in hot” by Andy Mineo and Lecrae. For 2021, I started the year off in tears; crying in my bed. The weight of what 2020 had been and how different everything had turned out was finally coming to an end. Coming face to face with what I had known for months in my body was this: I was leaving 2020 with no dream job, no *John Doe, and no real plan on how to navigate or go forward into 2021. To me this felt like truly the ending of something I wasn’t ready to let go of. 

“I defined myself by the structures of the 4 walls that were those intuitions. They were my sense of belonging, my second home, my safe place”  

I know that going into the new year doesn’t mean things are going to change all of a sudden. However, coming into 2021 it feels like at least for me, I have to start being real with where I am at and what I am about in this moment in time. And that’s effing scary but really empowering at the same time. I spent the last part of 2020 focusing on a lot of other people and their problems; which is fine but ultimately I was using their problems as a distraction to not look at myself. I am a big believer in balance in almost all things in life (expect ice cream, always have more ice cream than you can handle) but I started leaning more towards the collective, community, the other and less on the side of self, individual… me. 

    Hard lesson in 2020: no one is going to give me the green light to start creating the life that I want to live. The power, agency and, strength has always lied within me. I have always recognized the power in community, in having people in your corner. The value in family and friends and the crucial (sometimes lifesaving) role they play. But I’ve failed to make my role the starring one in my life.. believing that I was only good enough to star as an extra…an backup or supporting role (check out blog on narratives for more insight). 

An awareness of death encourages us to live more intensely

Paulo Coelho

   *I watched this TED talk a few years ago and it was about what really matters at the end of one’s life. The man who was speaking said the only two questions that should be asked are:

Am I loved?

Did I love?

   Everything else doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or what kind of couch you bought for your house to match the overall décor of all the things you will never use. What matters in life are the relationships you build with others. With yourself. The relationships that you hold close to you can reflect back to you who you are or who you don’t want to be. I don’t think researchers, storytellers, or therapist can stress that enough. And until this person showed up, I didn’t realize how important that is. I didn’t realize how important it is to live everyday as it is your last day. You never know when these are going to be the last moments you have. When I’m struggling or when I am sad or down in myself I try to remember that these emotions aren’t going to last. I am not my emotions nor my thoughts. They will pass. When it comes to love; I think it’s important to have an open mind about what it means to love and to love someone else in particular. This person taught me that although some level of certainty is good in any relationship; I don’t have to figure out everything right this second.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

   I’ll be the first to admit and say I don’t have all the answer. I don’t even know if I am asking the right questions to find the answers that I crave. All I know is that I am doing the best I can with what I know now, with what I feel and believe to be true. Living each day with an awareness that this could be the last moment; doesn’t mean that you go around living recklessly or that you shouldn’t have some sense of what it is that you want. To me, it means that you are truly living out your values. You are living with intention.. You are being who you want to be and you aren’t concerned about the future nor upset about what happened in the past because it is not guaranteed and you can’t change it. You only have this moment. 

This life of ours is on lease…. What are you going to make of it? 

Take the green light, friends. 

Until next time much ❤️,


References: *


John Doe is a reference to relationships not to a person in particular

Coelho, P. (2021, January 01). Goodreads [Quote].

Kornfield, J. (2021, January 1). Goodreads [Quote].

Title inspo: Greenlight by Lorde

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