Freedom is being yourself without permission.

Unknown

Here I go again, not saying what I feel; not being my true authentic self… not honoring my emotions. If you’ve never done it, you’re one in a million. I’ve done it so many times over. Former versions of myself were in a constant state of trading authenticity for an outcome that I thought I needed.

So, what does that mean? Instead of saying what I meant, expressing myself fully, setting and keeping boundaries, and sharing how I felt, I’d pretend I was fine when I wasn’t, and okay with something I wasn’t okay with.

The outcome I thought I wanted? To maintain a relationship. To be chosen. To be in something rather than speak my truth and risk losing something that wasn’t aligned with me in the first place.

So, here’s an apology letter to the former versions of myself that I thought I needed to shape shift in order to be loved. Here’s an apology note to the former versions of myself that I thought I needed to self-sacrifice in order to be chosen. I didn’t. and you don’t.

And more importantly, we have to stop choosing to. To become the observers when we see ourselves starting to cave in.

The practice?

To speak our truth. To align what’s happening internally with what gets brought forward. To notice when we want to fall back into old ways that keep us stuck and pivot. To see the origin story of why we’ve begun to do this in the first place. And to ultimately strengthen our own confidence within ourselves and remind ourselves that healthy, expansive love and friendships do not require us to trade authenticity. It may stretch us and challenge us, but we do not need to trade ourselves in to get an outcome that requires us to self-betray and self-abandon. I’m sorry to the former versions of myself who traded authenticity for an outcome I convinced myself was more important than honoring myself.

Until next time,

Much love,

T

Title inspo: July by Noah Cyrus

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