your biggest commitment must always be to yourself

Bridgett Devoue

Hello fellow bloggers and friends,

It’s been a minute since I wrote and the reason for that is I was having trouble finding the right words to explain what has been going on. 2021 was beautiful in the sense that it made me face myself and my patterns. What I have come to realize is that I have not been choosing myself. I’ve been wanting to be chosen by other people, and that has caused me tremendous pain.

I wrote about my struggles in a previous post when it came to those men and my “relationships” to them. I talked about how one ghosted me and yet I was still trying to get his attention. The other one felt like home but not in a good way. “Home” being he reminded me of my father…sad, lost, and alone; someone to save. My relationship to him made me realize my capacity to give love and acceptance and empathy without any boundaries or respect for myself and what I need. The last guy and my favorite of them all, made me face myself and really look in the mirror. This guy showed me boundaries and how it’s not okay to give without them.

In giving without boundaries, when I chose to let them in over and over again, knowing that none of them were capable of giving me what I needed, I essentially lost myself trying to become who I thought they wanted. Which as we all know, doesn’t work in the long… I faced rejection. They rejected me and I rejected myself for becoming what I thought they wanted me to be.

In 2020 and 2021, I learned that rejection is one of the most difficult feelings anyone can endure. Someone basically tells us, “No it’s not you. I don’t choose to love you or be loved by you. I do not choose to build a life with you or procreate with you”. Freaking sucks, but what sucks more is after you hear those words; you become obsessed. Obsessed with not being chosen. Obsessed with winning them over so we can prove our worthiness and uniqueness. It runs deep for all of us and all we can do is practice. Practice trusting that not everyone we like is meant for us. Practice trusting that life will bring people who feel like sunshine and warmth. That has been the hardest part for me. Trusting in life that it will be okay once I start to choose myself again.

I have realized that I need to practice grounding myself in reality. My commitment for 2022 is that I will always choose myself instead of waiting for someone to choose me. I will practice radical grace and empathy for myself as I navigate the waters of uncertainty and letting go… I’ll be honest, letting go has been the hardest lesson to learn and put into practice.

Until next time; Much love,

T

Title inspo: What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts

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