In a room full of a thousand people who want to love us, we find the one who isn’t sureMark Groves
I know it’s been a minute since I have written to you. I want you all to know that these past few months have been eye opening to say the least. I have recently discovered parts of myself that I was previously blind too. I’ve struggled with putting into words what I am going through, however, today I feel confident enough to share parts of my inner world.
As most of you know I have struggled in my romantic relationships in the past. Feel free to read one of my other blogs and you will know that over the past two years, it has felt like a battle between wanting to be chosen and not having the courage to choose myself. I spent most of 2020, 2021, and a little bit of 2022 wanting people to choose me; even when I wasn’t choosing myself. The long nights, the pit in my stomach, all the tears, and anxiousness has consumed me for longer than I care to admit. It took the ending of a crucial relationship to realize that I need to do some inner work. I didn’t understand why I kept chasing after people who clearly had no interest in being in forming a relationship with me, whether that be platonic or romantic. I finally had to face myself and that is still scary as hell.
As I am writing this today, know that I am not fully healed. My past is still very much my present, but I am learning. It’s true when people say that healing is peaks and valleys. On the days that I feel the pain in my heart, when its hard to turn my focus back on the present, those are the moments that I have to remind myself that I will be okay. I know I deserve better. I know that better is out there. So, friends, let me leave you with some of my thoughts over the past few months:
This person who I am referring to in most of my blogs, what happened, and how I am feeling today are all compelling me to take a look at the unhealed parts of me. There’s a quote that says “the people who trigger us to feel negative emotions are messengers. They are messengers for unhealed parts of our being”. They are also our teachers, and class is always in session. We must pay attention.
I need to take ownership for not hearing “I don’t want a relationship right now”. In the past my ego takes over and says “bet”. However, I am now realizing that my attempts at people-pleasing, over-giving, auditioning, and performing- while they are trauma responses- they are also unconscious forms of manipulation… They are forms of control. Looking back, I realized I would do anything to be “chosen”, to be seen as enough for someone. I lost myself because I’m not ready to deal with pain. It’s easier to turn my head and focus on a situation that may never come then realizing that I need to be different. I need to show up differently.
I have many regrets but the biggest one is not seeking help sooner. I knew that I had patterns in relationships that were not healthy, I knew I struggled with validation and my self-esteem. I wish I would have known sooner how all those things were affecting my relationships. I can’t help but wonder what could have been sometimes. But I know better now. So it’s time to grind and put in the daily work necessary so that I don’t bleed on whomever comes next.
Its time I start putting myself first.
Until next time,
Title inspo: Wake Me Up by Avicii