Hi Friends,

I want to continue on the theme of writing for my anxious attachers. This week I talk about clarity in relationships. Although, this specific topic can affect any attachment style. I chose to write it from/for the anxious because I know how hard it can be to speak up and advocate for clarity. Let me know what your thoughts are, like and subscribe.

Get honest with people about who you are, what you want, & how you expect to be treated


For those who grew up in homes with unpredictability and chaos; ambiguously defined intimate relationships are a special kind of hell. They likely feel familiar and activate all kinds of behaviors that feel like love:

  • Hyper-vigilance (waiting for the so-called shoe to drop)
  • Rumination (wondering what that comment meant)
  • Submergence of needs/wants (pretending to be okay when you’re not)


For those who grew up in homes with predictability and calm, ambiguously defined relationships could feel crappy as well.

Sometimes those who are looking for love feel guilty or ashamed about their desire for definitional clarity. They pathologize this need, instead of honoring it.

Asking to create some relationship agreements/expectations/boundaries is NOT the same thing as asking for a promise. Defining the relationship is: who do we want to be to each other TODAY? It doesn’t need to be a future oriented conversation. Without a measure of clarity, how can we expect people to open up, share, trust, and lean in? These are the raw materials of intimacy and without the ability to cultivate intimacy, nothing intimate can grow. Asking to define the relationship is not asking for a promise. And it is not controlling.

Even if you are the one initiating this conversation, you will not be the only one who sets the terms of engagement. Asking to define the relationship is about creating the conditions for intimacy. Intimacy is about the co creation of a reality that serves both partners. A reality that gives love the best chance to take root and grow.

The modern dating landscape is so challenging and it’s so easy for people to feel bad and wrong for wanting and needing something that is deeply understandable and that sets people up to feel safe and connected.

Keeping in mind that there are nuances to this. Situations and people are rarely ever black and white. However, if you find yourself in a situation where you want to know what is going on, I encourage you to ask. You know you best; figure out what works for you and advocate the hell out of it.

Until next time,

Much Love


Title inspo: Tell Me by Sabrina Claudio

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