We can skate through life without having many vulnerable conversations, and our flaws and fears will remain unexposed. If we’re never willing to get real, we’ll never really be known, and if we’re never known, it’s hard to feel truly loved for who we actually are

Unknown

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I was in the shower when my body couldn’t take it anymore. It was only for a brief minute but I remember hunched over gasping for air. My lungs felt like they could collapse at any moment. My body knew before my head did: I was am in pain. The weight on my heart and my head feels heavier than usual. Tonight’s full moon eclipse couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. I had an ending take place, some information was revealed to me, and now I think it’s about time I unpack what I have been avoiding for so long. 

J: I just wasn’t in a spot where I wanted to be dating anyone. And idk, honestly just didn’t seem like we would make a good match if we were to date

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I could say that my problems started when my relationship ended with my longtime boyfriend, however, I don’t think that would be the case. My problems started with John Doe and if you were able to read the post on This is Heartache then you know what happened. John doe made me grow up, he showed me that not everyone you sleep with will want to date you. He was my first taste of how important it is to communicate your intentions so there are no misunderstandings.. But he wouldn’t be the last. Sadly, you can never really know someone’s true intentions.

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M: You’re too much for me. I don’t do the whole “being taken care of thing”

You make me feel guilty… bad

That I don’t maybe even can’t give you what you deserve.

M: I’ll say this. I think, you desire romance and I don’t have that to give right now. I like when you’re around. I like being with you. But, as aforementioned, I am not capable of meeting your expectations.

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Meeting John Doe 2 was like lighting my soul on fire. He was mystery, confident, hidden, and sexy. But he was also an a liar, judgmental, and a hypocrite. Maybe, most importantly, broken. I didn’t realize it at the time but the reason I felt so drawn to him was because I felt (knew) he was suffering. Behind his mask of wanting to look calm and collected, he was slowly losing control of himself. I wanted to save him. He wanted to drown himself. I still don’t know to this day what was real and what wasn’t. How can you be honest with a person, if you can’t even be honest with yourself? It took me a minute but he taught me to how stand up for myself in a relationship. To not settle for less than what I deserve.

M: Look, I like you. I think you’re brilliant. I’m just not emotionally ready for the relationship you deserve. I think if we can stay where we’re at for a while longer, things could possibly progress. I just don’t want to make any promises..

For the good first part of October I wondered if I was going to hear from him again. I wondered if he was going to disappear and if he did how devastating that would be. Devastating because I realized how much I had opened up to this person and invested in him whereas he hadn’t invested as much. Looking back, I see how one-sided everything was and that’s devastating. To realize that it’s just not worth it right now. And when I say “it”, I mean him. Some people have a lasting effect on you.. and I can’t explain it. He will forever be one of them. Because for that brief moment in time, I thought that it could be something until I realized it wasn’t anything at all. 

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A: Good morning – I still feel the same. I’m not trying to avoid you or something it’s just been a busy week. I’d like to see you again soon.

I can lie and say I don’t how this went wrong from my point of view but if I’m being honest with myself I do. This guy seemed all around great. He seemed available and attentive, someone I would want to be friends with even if I wasn’t attracted to him romantically. But one weekend everything changed. And I can’t speak for him so I won’t but for me the feelings that I was having were the same feelings that I had when I was with John Doe 2. The anxiousness, the worry, the fear that he was going to ghost after knowing parts of me that weren’t highlighted on the first date. The feeling of being out of control, out of my element, it was in the pit of my stomach and it was caused by the unresolved hurt of the past. John Doe 3 felt like a breath of fresh air until he wasn’t. I don’t know if it was me sabotaging or him being afraid. But to me, he turned out like the rest of them, however, what makes him worse is he disguised his ill intentions as good ones; until he got what he wanted. Those are the worse ones.

A: I honestly think we might just need to walk away. That certainly was not my initial intention at all but it seems like we just have very different expectations and feelings about things.

I’m sorry I know that sucks to hear

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 I feel like I let myself down. I let myself down by not resolving my past hurt with the other two before pressing on. I let myself down by not having better boundaries and sticking to them. It feels like I can’t win no matter how many times I open myself up, I end up getting hurt. Today was the first time in a long time I questioned whether or not this was worth it. I seem to attract men who are only concerned about protecting themselves but project an image of having concern for other people. Something is off with my alignment with the universe..

Lessons learned in 2020: 

1. Screw boys who pose like men.
2. I’m not fan of astrological events. I still ❤️ astrology.
3. Stop opening yourself up to people who aren’t worthy of your magic.

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I often get stuck in the place of recovering from a painful experience.. of doing the hard work of letting go, recovering, learning, growing, and moving through my pain. And then I notice the fear. It takes over the space where the pain once was. And I think to myself how will I ever put myself out there again? Go through the highs and lows just to end up at square one again..Fear isn’t meant to make our choices . It’s meant to remind us that we are vulnerable. Our desires, values, wants, and needs helps us make our choices.

I admit that I got hurt, I have worked hard to heal and I’m still working (apparently).. I realize that healing isn’t linear, it’s curved and paved with ups and downs. However Now I am learning how to trust myself again, intergrading what I have learned and how I show up.

I know I always repeat what Brene Brown preaches and that is choose courage over comfort but I can’t, not today. Today, I choose comfort over courage because I am tired and beaten down; I can’t allow myself to walk in the arena again.. not until I find a way to protect myself from those who look to take advantage. Ive got some work to do and that’s okay. This is the next part of healing.

Much ❤️,

T.

Title inspo: Night Changes by One Direction